Tuesday, June 23, 2009

New Hair Do

Well my little girl did pretty good today. 5 times up during the night (could be worse) and probably about the same number of crying episodes today about her belly. (also could be worse). My day, however, was not the greatest. I did leave her home today with Priscilla, a woman who has watched her almost every Tuesday since she was 1. I felt comfortable with it. I actually went to the grocery store and went to work for about 2 hours...(I used to work every Tuesday..about 5 hours..but that has fallen down in the last month) But the hair! It keeps falling out with every bath, every brushing. Something needed to be done, so we had a friend of a friend come over to cut it short. I was actually off getting my own hair cut tonight, so Jerad and Suzanne managed it for me. Honestly, I did not want to be here anyway. There is no way I wanted to watch it. The girl has had long hair her entire life. For years, I religiously put pig tails in it everyday. She has beautiful hair. Wherever we go, people always comment on her hair. The thickness, the color, the style. Until now.

Now her hair is almost gone. I can almost hear the collective gasp of people when they see her now. I have seen people cry over it. Of course, no one would ever say a thing. I know it is just hair. But it is symbolic. Now she looks sick...like every other cancer patient. I still remember the feeling I had when I saw my Mom bald for the first time. She took her wig off and showed me. I said "Mom, you look great...you are beautiful no matter how you are" And she was beautiful to me...the most beautiful there is...but I still felt my breath being taken away from me when she first showed me. Once I got used to it, it was second nature. That is actually how I remember my Mom. I would rub her little head for hours.

So maybe that is my problem. My mom lost her hair and shortly thereafter she died. Maybe I have some sort of hidden complex about it. Maybe I just want to remember the pigtails and innocence of my little three year old Allison. Maybe it is because I am scared people will stare at her when and if we ever take her out. Maybe it is because I am scared that a big chunk of my daughter's childhood is being robbed from us.

People keep telling me, "Janel you are so strong. How do you do it? You are so brave...." and I am strong, on the outside. I would not like the kiddlings to see anything different. Someone has to keep the ship upright. But inside, a little piece of me is dying with every bit of hair that falls out. For now, the hair is just short. Not gone. But it is only a matter of time.

19 comments:

  1. To us, she's just Ally. Hair or no hair. Madison said several times tonight that she thought she looked cute with her new haircut. I was glad to just be there.

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  2. To second what Suzy said,to us she is just Ally. When I asked Joshua what he thought of Ally's haircut, he said "I like it, I don't really remember what it was like before." When we got home I asked Sam and he said "Oh darn, I didn't see it", even though he did several times. They see her for who she is and not what she looks like.

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  3. I love her new haircut - I think she looks beautiful! Just like Nicki and Suzanne said - you can change the hair, but it's still Ally. And she looks as beautiful as ever. Love you guys.

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  4. If anyone ever stares at her when you take her out they can answer to ME! And Uncle Gavin, Pa, NIcki, Suzanne and all the members of her Army. I really liked the cut too, even though I know it's only temporary. I hope she feels better about it too. The past few days I have looked at her and I have seen mom. I don't mean sick mom--just mom. I think she really has her eyes.

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  5. Aw, I'm sure it's a gut reaction to what you've just been through with your mom, Janel. I mean, it was only a FEW short months ago that you went through a similar thing with her. So, I think it's natural you would feel scared and sick at heart seeing Ally's hair coming out. BUT - this outcome will be different than with your mom. This is an unfortunate process of Ally's healing. And healing IS coming. Also, remember something: you ARE brave, inside and out. The definition of courage isn't being brave in the absence of fear, but in the midst of it. THat's what I see in you, dear one. That's why I know you're strong. It doesn't mean you won't have weak moments, and emotional ones, but that you will plow through them. Cling to God, His Word, and to your faith. It is everything.
    AND: I think Ally looks beautiful...nothing can take away that true beauty!

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  6. “The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”

    This quote reminds me of you, Janelly,and Jerad too.

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  7. With or without hair...Ally is absolutely beautiful. Regardless of what people look at when you guys are out, you are the ones who know that losing her hair is a sign that she is a fighter, and is determined to beat this disease. It is normal for you to break down inside, but you are going to remin strong through it all, because that's what we (moms) do. We all love and support you guys so much! We are still praying for you guys and Ally to have strength and sleep; and good numbers this Friday!

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  8. The haircut is great. I like that Ally is taking control of her situation and deciding when these things happen. That is pretty amazing for a 7 year old girl. Wise beyond her years.

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  9. The haircut is adorable on Ally - I love it! As for you young lady...you have had enormous stress on you ever since you mom was diagnosed. You have every right to sit down and cry for a full month or more. You have to be strong in front of the kids - absolutely right - however - don't think you have to be strong for your friends - we will gladly support you and understand your emotions - don't hold them in...it isn't healthy for you - tell us all about the terrible fear you must have - keep letting it out in this blog or in person - we are here for you....always.

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  10. You tell Ally I love her haircut--she looks so much cooler in all this heat and humidity. Tell her BamBam and I want to see her new cut in her bikini and see if that gets a giggle out of her. As for you my sweet niece you are strong inside and out--we just all have our moments and you are certainly entitled to those. Remember how proud of you and Jerad and Ally we all are and take one step at a time. We are there with you every step of the way.
    Aunt C

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  11. Tell Ally that bald girls rule! She doesn't have to worry about fixing her hair and she has so many options - hats, head painting, scarfs and just letting it all hang out. And when it grows back it is really pretty! Love you guys Vicki G.

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  12. I found your blog from ThePigbear and I just wanted to say that I am praying for Ally and your family. Thank you for sharing your daughter with us!

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  13. Ally's life force shines brightly from the outside in. Janel you will get through this...what an example to your children and all of us how to weather a storm with resolve. You are brave my girls...because all women have that same strength you are tapping right now...my love and my sincerest awe to the both of you girlie whirlies...hope triumphs over dispair every time. your neighbor girl...Jill Martin

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  14. My first comment, though I've been reading your blog every day from the beginning. Just wanted to chime in that Ally will always look beautiful to me and all of us, with or without hair. Also, I'm so proud of you for sharing your feelings--it's helps all these followers and friends know how to support you. Love to you, ALly, and Carly my little Kindermusik buddy!

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  15. Here's a link to Dayton Children's facebook pages. We have posted the link to the fundraiser for Ally.

    http://www.facebook.com/wally.b.bear#/pages/Dayton-OH/The-Childrens-Medical-Center-of-Dayton/10305195578?ref=ts

    www.facebook.com/wally.b.bear

    Ally's hair is cute. :)

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  16. Losing hair is a tough thing, but I know it will grow back and it will be even more beautiful than before. Janel, you are a very strong person and unfortunately you have not had time to grieve for your mom. It has all happened so soon. Ally looks wonderful with long hair, short hair, no hair. She is fighting the fight and we will win. One day at a time. Good sleep, no pain and hugs and kisses to all of you. All my thoughts and prayers are coming your way.

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  17. I found your blog through ThePigbear...I've been reading for several days now and thinking of you and your family often.....Ally is adorable and we are all praying for her health and for your strength!

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  18. I've been reading the blog, daily. I burst into tears when I watched the short video that you put up of Ally catching fireflies- and her hair, gone in some spots. You hit it on the head, Janel- saying that it is another symbol of Ally being sick- and although we all knew it would come, you still pray that maybe, just maybe it won't. It made me so sad to see it- because I know her, and love her- and although I read your blog religiously and learn about Ally's days- her medicines, her pain, her fatigue- it hurts so much more to really get to see it- this symbol of the illness- so, it is understandable how YOU feel about it! Your wounds are all so fresh since your mom's passing but, try to stay strong Janel- pray, laugh, rest and love. You are doing a great job- keeping us all in the loop as your family journeys through this time- you can do it- you are a woman, a friend, a MOTHER, a wife, a co-worker... you wear many, MANY hats- and this is your most important... you are a hero to all of us- and so is Ally- after all, she has been taught by a wonderful mother who will lead her way!

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