Friday, October 23, 2009

Expect the worst

All week long we have been going downhill. I kept telling Jerad she was going to end up admitted to the hospital. I somehow always have the mother's intuition with these things. A sixth sense.

Her methotrexate level only dropped to .31. She started complaining of pain in her throat, and later her mouth. In the middle of the night, she vomited and I thought I saw blood. Upon examination by Dr B in the clinic today, he determined that she had oral mucositis. Basically this is ulcers or sores all through the mouth, tongue, throat, and even down to the stomach. A lot of cancer patients get it and it is extremely painful. It also allows infection to spread into your body and can be quite serious. Ally was in so much pain she stopped talking. Very little eating. Her medicine was also burning the sores in her mouth. I heard the doctor say that she has a pretty bad case of it. The methotrexate is not leaving her system quickly enough and it is wreaking havoc on her little body with these side effects. Dr B asked her on a scale from 1-10 (10 is the worst) about how much pain she was in. She muttered a nine.

He had no choice but to admit her. They put her on a constant drip of morphine to stop the pain. They also gave her a button she can press every ten minutes that gives her more morphine if she is in severe pain. Because the sores are so bad she will not be able to eat. So they also put her on IV nutrition. This takes care of that problem. She also needs to have fluids to reduce the mtx levels. So, even though she has a port, they also had to start an IV in her hand because she has too many things to go in through one line. She was not at all happy about this. Big tears streaming down her face, but ended up getting it in like a champ. She is a brave brave girl. Nothing really phases her.

Of course, upon hearing she was admitted I broke into tears right in the middle of the clinic. I was sooooo sad because my Dad is having a halloween party at his house. She wanted this particular mining game/thing that she saw at the Soin's party for her birthday. Since we didn't really do a birthday party for her, he got it for this party...a late birthday present. She has been so excited to do it. And now she can't even go. And I feel bad about that and I feel bad for my Dad who was doing it for her. Ally didn't cry. No. She just sat and watched her mother sit there and lose it for a few minutes. I don't usually do that, but today I did. I sooo wanted us all to be together this weekend after being apart the last weekend.

After being there all day (week), Jerad came down to relieve me and spend the night with her. I came home tonight and put the other two kids to bed. Carly was messing around with a fortune cookie that she found in the pantry. She dropped the fortune on the floor. I thought, well I better see what this says and I picked it up.

It said "Hope for the best, but expect the worst"

And that is exactly my attitude right now.


  1. Janel,
    New fortune cookie message. . . . . .
    "Tomorrow will be better" :)
    I have been in prayer overload today for all of you. Really hoping that you all can get some rest. There will be time for mining game and Halloween Parties. We just have to get through all of this first. You are all handling so much all at once and doing a great job. We are all behind you every step of the way.
    Hugs to all of you.

  2. Oh, Jammer, I'm so sorry for what Ally had to endure today and each day. You are doing an amazing mothering job. I wish I had the words to help you get through this. All I can say for now is that I love you and pray for this pain to end.

  3. My sister, Shelley Baldwin, shared the link to your blog. I'm so sorry to hear how much Ally is suffering right now. And I can only imagine how exhausting all of this is for you and your family. You're all in my prayers.

  4. I knew I should have thrown those fortune cookies away...I like Mary's fortune better.

  5. Oh, my sweet, I am so sad that you and Ally are having to go through even more. I pray that they can allieviate more of her pain and get that toxin out today. I love you, I pray that 'the bright side' shows itself today.

  6. Oh Janel, my heart breaks for your family and especially for Ally. Please know that Ally's entire army is sending up prayers and sending hugs to all of you. Please take care of yourself...make sure you are eating and sleeping... as difficult as it is. You are mentally exhausted and drained and need to keep yourself as physically healthy and strong as possible. I worry about you as much as Ally. You are faced with way more than any one mother should ever have to face. Trust in God for your strength and Ally's.

  7. Dear Janel, We are so sorry for the recent "downs." Hoping for more "ups" soon. It made my heart ache to think of you sitting there crying and of poor, sweet Ally being in such pain. Thinking of you all every day. Love and hugs. Jenny

  8. Thinking of you all every day. Hoping for things to look up. Don't ever worry about sharing your downs in the blog. You need support, and that's what everyone around you is here for. Share the good, bad, and the ugly, and we will all still be here to support and encourage you no matter what. So sorry that Ally is going through such a difficult time. Keeping you in our prayers!

  9. I would sooo like to echo Nicki's message from yesterday that I too, spend a part of my everyday with you, and I totally feel I am stronger because of you and knowing the things you are going through and how well you handle them - -
    I know things seem like they are spinning downward right now but I'll pass along a quote that I take out when I am really struggling.....
    (which I stole from Ben Roethlesberger)
    - - and a different fortune for you!!!

    Success is failure turned inside out
    The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
    And you never can tell how close you are,
    It may be near when it seems so far;
    So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
    It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!

    Stay strong!!!You are doing amazing - - Jenny

  10. Still claiming a promise in the Bible for Ally...(Even better than a fortune)!
    Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope."
    Love you Janel! Hang in there!

  11. Janel, I am so sorry for your suffering and Ally's pain, never ever apologize for what you write, this is your outlet and we are your army to listen and support. We love all of you and know that soon there will be many "ups" Hold on tight, one day at a time. Many prayers for a better day tomorrow.

  12. I know I am all the way across the country, but what can I do for you? Name it . . .


  13. I love the scripture Keli quotes for you. Please claim it for Ally, for yourself and your family. It will renew you strength along with all the prayers. Hoping and praying for Ally to have a better day today. A better day for all of you. Liz Myers