Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Another delay

Ally's bloodwork came back today and this time her ANC was high enough (2900 and had to be 750 or higher) but her darn platelet number was too low (59 and had to be 75). We have never seen a delay for that reason. So she is NOT going into the hospital in the morning, but rather they want to give her a couple of days for that number to rise. They are looking at admitting her on Saturday. As usual, this kind of ruins some timing for us. We were trying to bump her a day this cycle and then another day next cycle, so that she could be home for Trick or Treat on the 31st. But now, maybe she will just go in the day after Halloween or something like that. Of course, I had everything for tomorrow taken care of and the kids watched, etc, but now NO NEED. Once again, one of the hardest things about this whole illness is just the inability to plan anything. For two CPAs, and big planners, it tends to be one our bigger hurdles.

So now, Ally is going to school tomorrow and we are finally going to be able to celebrate her birthday there. She wants to take pumpkin doughnuts in for her treat. And I also get the privilege (??) of going on a hiking field trip with Evan tomorrow. It is supposed to be 40 degrees and raining. Yikes.

I have been thinking a lot about my consultation with the spiritual advisor (Rene) on Monday. Everyone keeps asking me, and thus I must write. She advised me on a lot of things, including the need to grieve effectively for my mother....well really just grieve at all. If you don't do these things, it can end up causing a lot of problems later. Depression. She looked at a lot of things about me and nailed my personality on the head. Good and bad. Not many people can do that. I am one of those people who always expect the worst....but in the case of Ally I just do not. I expect the best. Really. 100% of me believes that she will beat this disease. It will be long and hard road, but she will.

During our talk, I got two very powerful messages from my mother. She reminded me of a Valentine that I had made for my Mom when I was about Ally's age. She described the Valentine to me. My mom was the type that never saved anything (to a fault).....but this particular Valentine was in her nightstand next to her bed right before she died. And Rene told me how special this was to my mom....and how on earth could she have known that? I was pretty much in shock. And secondly, when I was younger and we lived at CCN, mom and I used to always look for bluebirds. The bright blue birds would just stand out against the deep greens of the golf course and the trees. Mom would see one and literally start screaming ...sometimes I would hear her from the other side of the house. Sometimes, I would be on the phone with her when I was away at Miami, and she would drop what she was talking about just to tell me a bluebird flew by. I remember this actually used to annoy me. Mom loved birds, everyone knows this, but these bluebirds were just fun little creatures for us to spot. Just Mom and I. I don't even think my Dad or Sister even knew about this.

So I am talking with Rene, we are almost done with our session and she said she was getting a message from Mom for me. She closed her eyes and thought for a moment. And then she said....your mom wants you to go buy a little bluebird and put it somewhere in your house. She wants you to look at it and remember. And I am telling you there is no way, NO WAY, that woman would have known about our little bluebird thing unless she was somehow reaching my mother. I don't know how, I don't know why, I just think she did.

I know some people won't believe me on this, and I really don't care. It doesn't matter. But for all of you who have lost important people in your lives, and you have sent me notes telling me that you do in fact get signs, etc, well I am 100% a believer now too. Yep. And for all of you who have lost someone and don't see the signs, maybe they are there and you just have to look a little harder for them. As Rene said to me, your mom is right with you all of the time, Janel. She is right behind you. Every step of the way. And that must be why I am able to get up in the morning and keep going day after day. She is pushing me along.


  1. I just got chills reading your post...awesome!

  2. thanks for the post, once again. You know, though, when you need her to be, your mom is right in front of you too, leading the way.

  3. Aw, I'm sorry for another delay :(. I AM glad, however, that she gets to celebrate her birthday at school. I'm sure they will make her feel super special. I'm just sorry it's rainy outside...what a YUCKY day for a field trip! Maybe they'll reschedule? Thanks for the story of the bluebird. My gramma LOVED birds too, and every time she saw a blue one, she would just get so excited because it was so rare. Your story reminded me of her...
    Hope your day is good. Many prayers for Ally this weekend - and for you, dear one. LOVE YOU!

  4. been away for a few days with Jodi in nyc and just caught up on the posts, glad Ally's birthday was good and that you enjoyed yourself. I am also so glad that you got in touch with your mom, that is so important. I still have a few special things of John's that I will not give up. It helps me. I know that John is with me all the time no matter what. He watched me walk her down the aisle 7 years ago. He is watching over his daughter as she gets ready to give us a wonderful gift of our first grandchild, in fact, he will see the baby before I will. Thanks for all the sharing you do, you and Jared are awesome people and even better parents. Ally will win this fight and the hardest things are the unknowns from day to day and the inability to plan, I guess that is why we adopted the "one day at time" phrase during our 15 year fight. Good thoughts and prayers for your entire family.

  5. Janel, I am so happy for you keep up the good work and enjoy the knowledge that you have received from your Mom. And what kind of person writes that comment to the paper??? We all need to pray for them! As always you all are in our prayers.

  6. I totally believe in connecting with people when they cross over. I had the opportunity to meet with a medium last year and had a wonderful experience. I was able to connect with both my sister and my mother and like you said some of the things the medium say I didnt get or didnt make sense and you wondered, but then he would say things that there was no way he would know without communicating with them. I felt so much better knowing for sure they were there with me and I see signs all the time from my mom. I'm so happy you were able to have this experience and I hope it is what you needed to help keep you going in your fight to get Ally through her battle.

  7. I have HUGE goosebumps right now - thank you for sharing the intimacy of the meeting with Rene...must have been just as hard as some of the other posts and just as amazing at the same time.....we don't have enough of HOPE and BELIEF in this world and GOOD FOR YOUR for always having both!!!!! If anyone doubts that, then F*&@ them! (am I allowed to say cuss words on here :( ) sorry.....Keep the Faith and Keep Charging On!~JennyG

  8. I believe you heard from your mom. Nothing you said sounded far-fetched and nothing seems contrived. Your mom was there with you. I am sure she was thrilled to know she was reaching you with her messages. What a blessing.