Thursday, October 8, 2009

Awful Day

Today has just been downright awful. I don't even want to write about it, but I guess it is what it is. So I will. There is no requirement to read this, so feel free to logoff now. After my typical anxiety ridden morning (everyday!) wondering if Ally will cry....if she will go to school...if something will hurt, etc...she went to school. Made Jerad late for a 730 mtg in the process, but such is the way of our life. She made it at school until about 11 when the nurse called me...Ally had a headache. I talked to her, she was crying again, I said I would come get her. I was actually trying to work today, but starting to think work is just not gonna be an option for me. I put the work aside and hopped in the car.

Her teacher said she had been really goofy and having a great day and this headache came on all of the sudden. OK, fine, hopefully she will be back to school for her birthday party tomorrow...I told her. We walked out to the car in the pouring rain. It has rained buckets here today. I decided I better take her right to the testing center to get her blood checked. Typically, headache is a symptom of her needing blood. Upon arrival there I am pretty much pushed back outside by our friend Mona...there are some really sick people in there...wait in the car. I hadn't brought Ally anyway, I was leaving her in the safety of my car already. (see, I have learned) While all of the sick people were getting their noses swabbed, Ally and I sat in the car. She started crying. Yelling. She wanted to go home. And so did I. But I knew we had to get it checked. We sat in the car waiting for 30 minutes. She was crying pretty much the whole time. We usually get right in. Damn the flu. I finally went and found someone and they snuck us in the back door to avoid germs (and she wore a mask). Get it overwith already.

The finger prick itself was nothing compared to the grueling wait. We left. Within an hour of being home she was asleep. This is not like her. An hour after that she was throwing up. A lot. She hadn't eaten all day either. She continued getting sick. After a while she started throwing up a neon green color. I knew from my Mom doing this same thing, that this was bile. It's a little scary to see. I kept taking her temp...every 20 minutes or so and she was getting mad about it. It never got higher than 99.3. However, I was preparing to go to the hospital.

Later, I called the clinic and her bloodwork numbers were all good. Hemoglobin 9 and ANC was 4000. She did not need blood. Her highest ANC ever was in the 1000's. I did not realize that the 4000 was probably too high until after 5pm. And the clinic was closed. I know that those high ANCs are a result of a high white blood count. Which can also mean a relapse. So I am starting to panic about that a little. And I am not a panicker. But the panic is just welling up inside me. Jerad and I are thinking that maybe the WBCs are high because she is sick. That could be the case. I will call and talk to them again in the morning. So much to learn, so little time, my brain is fried anyway.

She continues to be lethargic and throwing up. No fever, so I am feeling like it is not the flu. Mother's intuition is telling me stomach virus. But who knows. It is going around our community. My mom's sister was due to come into town tomorrow to see Ally...she has not seen her since diagnosis (they live in NYC). I have been planning for her arrival for a week. I had to call her and put her in a holding pattern. I felt so bad about that. And I do not want my Ally girl to be sick for her birthday. She has shouldered so much of the burden she deserves to have 10 birthdays. And now I am thinking she won't be able to enjoy this one. We will make it special, maybe down the road, but we will.

And who do you want the most when you are sick and ailing the most? Your mom. And today, more than ever, I wished my Mom was here with me. If I could only see her again, just for one more day. Evan and I had a discussion today during one my crying moments:
E: are you crying because your mom is in heaven?
Me: Yes, I miss her
E: And you want her to take care of you?
Me: Oh, yes. I need her to.
E: Well who is going to take care of you then?
Me: I don't know
E: Your Dad?
Me: Maybe, or maybe your Dad. Jerad
E: Will you ever get another one? Another mom?
Me: Nope, just one Mom for everybody... that is why mom's are so special.
E: Oh

Right after this discussion the phone rang. It was my Dad. He told me he just talked to Mom. What?! One of his friends has some way to connect with people on the other side and she helped him tonight. He felt he connected with her. I believe it can be true. I really do. And now he is a believer too. So Dad set me up to talk to this woman on Sunday morning. I know you will all think I am a lunatic, and maybe I am, but I am going to do it. Even if it is just a little thing, it is something. It might give me a little much-needed strength and help me to get by.

Just say your prayers that we don't end up in the hospital for my girl's special day. And give me the strength to take care of her. I am not feeling that I have it right now.


  1. Praying for strength. For you. For Ally. For the entire Barnett family. (hugs)

  2. Janel,
    I know you have the strength because I have seen you in action. I believe you grab on to whatever you feel will help you right now and that in turn will help your Ally and Evan and Carly. I do think your Dad was helped tonight and I want that same thing for you on Sunday. We love you.
    Aunt Connie

  3. Janel,
    I wish there was somehow,someway to take some of the worry , anguish, frustration that you are feeling and work it out for you. Today is almost behind you and I am praying that tomorrow will be better. Each day you have made it through to the next tomorrow. One day at a time :) I can only imagine how many miles an hour you are all going right now, but, it will get better. I am under the weather myself, but, I am praying for all of you everyday. Hugs

  4. What is this thing about Dad talking to Mom? I don't know about this or who did it or what was said??? I would love to do this too! I think...I dunno, I am speechless right now about that.
    Sorry it was such an awful day. I hate that Ally was so sick. Whatever is best for her this weekend, that's what we'll do. It will be fine no matter what we end up doing. I don't know how you do it, but I know you can.

  5. Hang in there Janel. I know some days are worse tha others. Maybe this will perk you up a bit. We have confirmed that we will exceed our Light the Night goal, thanks in part to Ally's Army. Our goals was $443,000 for research and patient services and we will finsih the campaign at around $480,000. Thanks so much to you and all of your friends and family. We could not possibly have achieved this without you and all of your friends and family. Please let us know how WE can help YOU and your family.

    Tom Carleton - Leukemia & Lymphoma Society

  6. You really sound like you've had about all you can take. I'm sure there has also been some let down since the excitement of the walk has ended, and all the prep for that. It's so hard to hear you so down and grieving so much. I pray today brings you a little comfort. Ally will have a birthday, and I'm sure it will be memorable. Take some pressure off of yourself, let it happen later, haven't we all celebrated a birthday late? Ally will enjoy it more when she and you are feeling better anyway. Big hugs to you, wish I was there to give you a real one.

  7. I am sending the most intense, well, strong, and peaceful thoughts that I can muster. I am hoping your little girl got some sleep last night, and that the news on the counts makes sense. That's the best I think we can hope for sometimes, is that it makes sense. I completely understand the whole talking to your mom thing. I think it's great that you are going to try on Sunday. Really. You need her now, and although I know she's with you, I think you need to know that too. Hang in there.

  8. My heart is aching for you and for Ally. As always, Ally is in my prayers.

  9. Janel,
    I am so sorry it was such a bad day. We will pray for strength for all of you and healing for Ally so that she can celebrate her birthday. Your kids are lucky they have you for a mom.

  10. Janel,
    Hang in there your are doing a wodnerful job even though some days as difficult. I do believe some people have the power to talk to the other side. How and why who knows hopefully it will help you in this difficult time in your family's life. As always yo are all in our prayers.

  11. You need to let yourself have a "pity party" every now and then!! Give yoursef a day, 1/2 day, 1/2 an just let it all out. Scream, yell, cry, pout, cuss...whatever your feeling. You have every right to be having those feelings. You can't be strong all the time. I need to get you to a yoga class! ;) Good luck on Sunday! Tell you mom I said "Hey"!(that's Southern for Hi, How are you, What cha been up to?...) :)

  12. Janel, So sorry it has been such a terrible day. We are thinking of you all. Your Mom is with you always. How do I know that...because you are a wonderful Mom and she taught you how...she lives on through you and all you are doing for Ally. Hugs. Jenny

  13. Sending healing thoughts your way, hoping things turn around soon. I think there is definitely a way to communicate with those who have passed before us, and hopefully you will be able to connect with your Mom. I'm sure she's watching over you and wishes she could be here for you to lean on. Just remember, even though she's not here, there are so many shoulders you can lean on. Just call out our names, and you know we'll be there!

  14. Your mom (and the Army) are there with you now. How scary to see your child so sick at a time when every little thing makes you wonder. The flu is awful under the most normal of circumstances. You are always in my prayers.


  15. janel - By now you have had the conversation with your Mom. Do I believe it? You bet I do. I talked with Mom and Dad about a year ago through a medium from Indiana that I was hooked up with through Karen' Mother-in-law, Marcia. Marcia talked with her husband, Don who passed away about 6 months previously. Some of the things said no one buy my folks would know...Marcia had the same experience. So I am glad your Dad found some peace by talking with Marcy...I'm sure you will too. And..yes, some people will think you are nuts - don't worry about it. It isn't important. Talking with your mom is.