First of all, most of you come here to check on my girl. She is doing well. She enjoyed a day off school today...all the kids were off...and she spent the day at her Pa's house surrounded by her family and she loved that. The plan is for her to attend school this week on Tuesday and Wednesday and then back into the hospital for more treatment starting Thursday. She actually has a field trip tomorrow...but it is a hiking/outdoors type of trip. I don't think this is the greatest choice for her. Her footing is not so great these days (a side effect) and she has a very low tolerance for the cold. Luckily, her Dad is going with her. I would have went, but I am finally getting my knee looked at after months of suffering in pain (and not having time to take care of myself)
But secondly, today was an especially hard day for me. One, I went and spoke to the spiritual advisor that I have been mentioning on here. I will discuss that later. Two, I spent the remainder of the day with my mom's only sister....and we just talk about Mom all the time. She loved my mom like I loved my mom and I have a kinship with her that I cannot explain (and always have). And three, I tried to go through some of my mom's things today....I wanted to do it earlier, but then my daughter got sick and it all got pushed by the wayside. Not sure if many of you have ever had to do such a thing, but it is pretty miserable. I just want to take entire rooms of my house and save anything that my mother ever touched. And that is just not possible. I will get to it more in time....
Why I did all these things in one day, I will not know. I am not quite strong enough to handle all of that right now. And I will discuss some of my spiritual teachings out here at some point. I know so many want to know if I reached my mom. And I did. And as I suspected, she is with me most all of the time. I learned that she can do more good for me from where she is now, then if she were here. She can protect us. I was also assured that my daughter will be fine. I really already knew that in my heart. But always good to hear a reassurance in the way the stars and moons line up....
Basically, we are all going to learn a lot of life's lessons at some point in our lives. Mine just seem to be all coming at once. And I am young, and the lessons are earlier for me, and they are tough ones. The suffering is teaching me a lesson. There are joys that I can only learn by first feeling the sorrow. And even though someone dies, they are still living on. This much is true. And me, by being broken to pieces, well eventually broken people become people of great strength. Several people have said this to me....that I went through everything with my Mom in order to prepare myself to take care of my daughter. The strength was building. Maybe this is true. As I was reading my nightly prayer book last night, in preparation and prayer for today, this passage was the one for October 11. I think it is quite true.
Measure your life by loss and not by gain,
Not by the wine drunk but by the wine poured forth.
For love's strength is found in love's sacrifice,
And he who suffers the most has most to give.
-Henry Ward Beecher
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It is only through our suffering that we can find joy. My mom passed away when I was 19 (I'm now 23). She fell down our basement stairs...late at night...was probably drunk...fractured skull. I was away at college. But from the day we laid her to rest I knew, she is watching over us from above and always will be. It is tough when you have to go through a loved ones things, and to be honest with you my dad hasn't done much. I think even the book she was last reading is still in its place by the couch with a mother's day bookmark in it that I made for her when I was like, 7. My prayers are with you and your family. Your mom is right--Ally is going to be fine. And you will all be stronger in the end.
ReplyDeleteI know that I've typed this before, but I'm proud of you, Janel. It took me four years to admit and be honest with myself about the things that you have already faced, processed, overcome, and are using to be a better person. I'm still working on it- 14, yes, 14 years after my dad died. I'm proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI still have a pink flamingo coffee mug that my dad got as a gag gift for his 40th birthday. I'm pretty sure he never drank out of it, and I can't remember who gave it to him, but I still have it. And I keep it in a cabinet next to a mug he did use that says "a bad day fishing is better than a good day at work." They have moved 7 times with me. And that's just the start of it. I'm glad you had some time with your Aunt too. It is important for both of you.
So I guess what I'm saying is take care, and be patient, if you can. I'm proud of you.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
ReplyDeleteJanel,
ReplyDeleteYou are entitled to feel. Happiness, sadness, anger and total frustration-- you are entitled to feel them all deeply and passionately. You have been on the roller coaster ride of your life and are allowed to want off. God is with you as you race down each hill and as you climb to the top of the next one.
Keep.
On.
Climbing.
You not only can do it, but you already ARE. You are doing it with totally honesty and clarity. How amazing are you??!!
ALWAYS here,
Amanda