Awful Day

Today has just been downright awful. I don't even want to write about it, but I guess it is what it is. So I will. There is no requirement to read this, so feel free to logoff now. After my typical anxiety ridden morning (everyday!) wondering if Ally will cry....if she will go to school...if something will hurt, etc...she went to school. Made Jerad late for a 730 mtg in the process, but such is the way of our life. She made it at school until about 11 when the nurse called me...Ally had a headache. I talked to her, she was crying again, I said I would come get her. I was actually trying to work today, but starting to think work is just not gonna be an option for me. I put the work aside and hopped in the car.

Her teacher said she had been really goofy and having a great day and this headache came on all of the sudden. OK, fine, hopefully she will be back to school for her birthday party tomorrow...I told her. We walked out to the car in the pouring rain. It has rained buckets here today. I decided I better take her right to the testing center to get her blood checked. Typically, headache is a symptom of her needing blood. Upon arrival there I am pretty much pushed back outside by our friend Mona...there are some really sick people in there...wait in the car. I hadn't brought Ally anyway, I was leaving her in the safety of my car already. (see, I have learned) While all of the sick people were getting their noses swabbed, Ally and I sat in the car. She started crying. Yelling. She wanted to go home. And so did I. But I knew we had to get it checked. We sat in the car waiting for 30 minutes. She was crying pretty much the whole time. We usually get right in. Damn the flu. I finally went and found someone and they snuck us in the back door to avoid germs (and she wore a mask). Get it overwith already.

The finger prick itself was nothing compared to the grueling wait. We left. Within an hour of being home she was asleep. This is not like her. An hour after that she was throwing up. A lot. She hadn't eaten all day either. She continued getting sick. After a while she started throwing up a neon green color. I knew from my Mom doing this same thing, that this was bile. It's a little scary to see. I kept taking her temp...every 20 minutes or so and she was getting mad about it. It never got higher than 99.3. However, I was preparing to go to the hospital.

Later, I called the clinic and her bloodwork numbers were all good. Hemoglobin 9 and ANC was 4000. She did not need blood. Her highest ANC ever was in the 1000's. I did not realize that the 4000 was probably too high until after 5pm. And the clinic was closed. I know that those high ANCs are a result of a high white blood count. Which can also mean a relapse. So I am starting to panic about that a little. And I am not a panicker. But the panic is just welling up inside me. Jerad and I are thinking that maybe the WBCs are high because she is sick. That could be the case. I will call and talk to them again in the morning. So much to learn, so little time, my brain is fried anyway.

She continues to be lethargic and throwing up. No fever, so I am feeling like it is not the flu. Mother's intuition is telling me stomach virus. But who knows. It is going around our community. My mom's sister was due to come into town tomorrow to see Ally...she has not seen her since diagnosis (they live in NYC). I have been planning for her arrival for a week. I had to call her and put her in a holding pattern. I felt so bad about that. And I do not want my Ally girl to be sick for her birthday. She has shouldered so much of the burden she deserves to have 10 birthdays. And now I am thinking she won't be able to enjoy this one. We will make it special, maybe down the road, but we will.

And who do you want the most when you are sick and ailing the most? Your mom. And today, more than ever, I wished my Mom was here with me. If I could only see her again, just for one more day. Evan and I had a discussion today during one my crying moments:
E: are you crying because your mom is in heaven?
Me: Yes, I miss her
E: And you want her to take care of you?
Me: Oh, yes. I need her to.
E: Well who is going to take care of you then?
Me: I don't know
E: Your Dad?
Me: Maybe, or maybe your Dad. Jerad
E: Will you ever get another one? Another mom?
Me: Nope, just one Mom for everybody... that is why mom's are so special.
E: Oh

Right after this discussion the phone rang. It was my Dad. He told me he just talked to Mom. What?! One of his friends has some way to connect with people on the other side and she helped him tonight. He felt he connected with her. I believe it can be true. I really do. And now he is a believer too. So Dad set me up to talk to this woman on Sunday morning. I know you will all think I am a lunatic, and maybe I am, but I am going to do it. Even if it is just a little thing, it is something. It might give me a little much-needed strength and help me to get by.

Just say your prayers that we don't end up in the hospital for my girl's special day. And give me the strength to take care of her. I am not feeling that I have it right now.