Thursday May 28, 2009

We had a pretty uneventful Sunday. I keep waiting for my old Ally to snap back. I keep thinking she is gonna wanna play something, chase her brother, pick up her sister, want to go outside, etc. It is just not happening. Even with her very best friends and her best friend/cousin around...all she does is sit. She just doesn't feel well and the chemo has completely wiped her out. I keep telling myself that it could be worse. Because last week on M-T-W she was in a significant amount of pain too. So much that she wouldn't eat or drink and that landed us right back into the hospital. But it is also very hard to see her with absolutely no livelihood to her.

Today her grandparents and Jerad's sister Tara (and Bunk) came down to visit. We made a trip over to a special hair salon where they can fit children for wigs. She got all measured up and we picked the best color/style etc. There is a even a special fund established that will pay for her wig...although I keep informing them that we don't need it and save that for someone else. The doctors say her hair could start to fall out in a week. It will be gone in a couple of weeks. hmmm...hard to swallow. By the way, we are not picking this one...hey I just realized that I did force a smile out of her today.

So now I guess I will try to pick up the story where I left off before. I just wanted this thing to be in chronological order!!! It bugs me! I am an accountant, after all. But I didn't get it done before now. But, I gotta learn to roll with the punches. So here goes...this is the morning they were testing her for leukemia.

DIAGNOSIS DAY

After our scary Wednesday night, we knew were due for a bone marrow aspiration to determine if she did indeed have leukemia. Dr Broxson was in our room the next morning to explain the procedure. He pretty much told us that he knew it was leukemia. He needed the bone marrow to determine the kind of leukemia that she was afflicted with. The night before we had done a small amount of research on our cell phones and we knew there were two prevalent types. ALL and another kind called AML. We did not know much, but we knew enough that we were hugely pulling for the ALL. The doctor told us were were right to hope for ALL. Seems kinda weird to be hoping for that. Back home, no one wants to be walking in my shoes right now. But here in the hospital, the AML parents are wishing their child was ALL. The AML kids are in the hospital for 30 days at a time..home for a week, then back again. They are the ones that utilize bone marrow transplants.

Everyone walked down the hall to the treatment room. I could tell Ally was scared. Dr Broxson was there and also two resident doctors. There were three, maybe four, nurses. Jerad and I were also right next to her bed. They hooked her up to all kinds of monitors, etc...I started feeling sick. Not because of what they were doing, but because the overwhelming fear of leukemia was just overtaking me. I could not stop shaking. I had been shaking actually for about 12 hours. Ally started to cry. She was scared too. They gave her something called Verced into her IV line. It was supposed to calm her down...make her feel sleepy. It really didn't. I think she started crying harder. She has always been a girl that fights sleep...and she was fighting it again. So she never really calmed down, but they started the procedure anyway. She was still crying. Jerad stayed right up by her face trying to calm her down. I was at her feet. The nurses were scared I was gonna faint, I could tell, so they got me a chair. The huge needle went into her hip and the doctor started pulling out the marrow. She was still crying. I was too at this point. Just a little. I do try to keep it all together in front of my little girl. Gotta stay strong. Yea, I know all about that from my Mom. Never let them see you cry and it will all be okay. (sarcastic, sorry)

When it was all said and done, they wheeled us back to 415. She was really confused at this point. She was coming out of the meds and kept seeing multiple of everything. It was scary for her, but she calmed down relatively soon after that. Within an hour we got the news. It was definitely leukemia. A few docs looked at the slide quickly and they were guessing that it was the ALL form...but it was most certainly leukemia. We would know for certain on the type after more tests and three to four more hours. So we had known it was coming, but man, what a blow. What a horrible feeling that I hope I never ever feel again. My Mom used to always say to me...Janel, the worst thing, the worst thing that can ever happen to you is to lose a child. You are just not supposed to have to worry about your innocent 7 year old daughter having cancer. It is unfathomable..UNFATHOMABLE...especially in light of the fact that two short months ago I lost my own mother to this disease.

So Jerad walked across the hall. He went in the bathroom and cried his eyes out. Again, no sorrow in front of the girl. My Dad was sitting with Ally. I also left and went across the hall to the lounge. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop shaking. I completely lost it and ended up over the trash can gagging. There was a nurse named Jen sitting by my side and she kept praying over me. She kept holding my hands and telling me to hold onto my faith. At this moment, to be quite honest, my faith was broken. I kept thinking how in the world could I be dealt so many hard blows in such a short amount of time. How could God allow that to happen to me? It wasn't fair. It couldn't be true. I almost talked myself out of it being the reality. But little by little the reality is setting in.....and I will continue this story another day with her treatment plan.