God was with us....

So I know that God is guiding my family through these hardships. I know he is there and quite honestly is the one responsible for giving me strength when I feel like it is all gone. And today...well I needed a little extra boost. As I dragged myself into the hospital this morning with the pit in my stomach. I could hardly crack a smile at anyone (not really like me) and found myself getting annoyed at even the tiniest of things (for example, loud chewing). Again, this is not like me. I wasn't feeling myself and I wasn't ready for more chemo for my daughter. I usually am ready...somehow, someway, but not today.

Ally had to undergo a huge long ultrasound. Not just her pancreas. No, they had to do both kidneys, her bladder, her gall bladder, her spleen and her liver. What they were looking for, I do not know. I refused to ask. I just let them do it and prayed and prayed (literally through the whole thing) that they would find no abnormalities. It took forever. At the end, the tech said she had to leave the room for a minute to show the doctor and to just wait there. That is not how it worked last time, so again.....the pit in my stomach grew increasingly heavier. I started panicking...why the doctor, why all these new tests, what the heck was going on???

If you know anything about healthcare these days....you would know that the tech can't tell you anything anyway. I didn't bother asking what was up. So we left to go upstairs to the clinic for chemo. We waited in the waiting room for an excessively long time before being called back into the clinic. (did I mention how annoyed I was this morning??? well I was) After sitting for a long time, Dr B came walking by and stopped to talk to us. I asked him what the heck was going on and he said he did not know but would find out. Turns out everything was okay. They just had to go about things in a way that would make any mother scared, not to mention a mother of a child with leukemia!!! The bottom line is: God was with us. He had us right there in the palm of his hand. My bedside prayers in the ultrasound room were answered.

Not once but twice. Again, I felt God helping me along when I found out that Ally COULD NOT receive chemo today. I really in my heart knew she was not ready. But the protocol is what it is and they follow it. No diversions unless Ally's counts are off. Well I knew her ANC would be high (and it was >2000!) but her platelets were down to 23. They had to be 50! Oh thank you lord...rather than getting hit with two more chemos, she was infused with platelets instead. (thank you donors!) And she got another two hour infusion of IVIG which boosts her immunity. But no chemo. I knew she wasn't ready. It really could have broken her. And God heard my prayers. She is only getting a break for a few days...she has to go back on Friday for it. But a few days may give her little body a chance to come back closer to normal. And she needed it. So now we are looking at sending her to school this week. I think she has been off for a month. Next week is Spring Break and she can spend it recovering from Friday's chemo. They also took her off the TPN nutrition, and are trying two new medicines on her. One to help with her neuropathy and leg pain. And another to help her stomach. Both of which are still bothering her. I hope they work.

It is in these places of severe testing, with no way out, that our faith grows and is strengthened. For me, I have to hold on very tight to my faith. For without it, I would crumble at the door.

"Our burdens are our wings; on them we soar to higher realms of grace; Without them we must ever roam on plains of undeveloped faith." Mary Butterfield.