Holding on

Our girl is holding her own as of late. With her blood levels balancing precariously on the edge of needing a tranfusion, three rounds of chemo currently in her body, and attending school basically full time, I have to wonder how much more she can do. Every morning I wake up waiting for the ball to drop, but she keeps on going. She actually asked to go to bed tonight at 8pm. I never know when to push her or let her fall back....it is a tough call to make as a parent...but the little bit of pushing has seemed to help her this time. The doctors always say that the more active she is, the better everything goes. It she doesn't move, her joints start freezing up from the chemo and basically everything slows down in her body. We will keep on going...two more days until Christmas break. I am saying multiple prayers a day that she does not get sick just in time to miss my Dad's Christmas party.

One thing that I have noticed about her lately is her reluctance to play. She has pretty much forgotten how to do it. I know she has her crafts, which are still going strong, and nails and such. But she really never plays. Whereas in the past, she would love to play with her friends, now I find her staying much closer to me. She chooses to hang out with the adults over the kids quite a bit. In the past she would jump at the chance to play with a friend after school, and now it can take some convincing. It is just another sad side effect of this whole thing. Her childhood is pretty much gone, at least for the time being, and I am not sure it is coming back. She is faced with so much and it is quite a bit of a burden for an eight year old to carry. She has always been mature, but this has taken her over the top. I do find myself daydreaming of the times when she will ride her bike again or run or dance or just be a kid. I hope it comes. It is quite difficult to not see your child do these things.

But it could always be worse. I know this. The hemoc area lost another patient this week. A 17 year old boy who had what Ally has....ALL. I hate that any parent would have to go through this. He was just diagnosed in October...and only lived two months. Last night, I could not sleep. (Well, this is pretty much every night for me.) But last night I just kept having vision's of John's Dad. He was always there with his son, he rarely (if ever) left his side. I didn't know him too much, but we exchanged stories and commiserated in the hallway a few times. Why, oh why, does this keep happening......

I was overwhelmed by people emailing me or commenting on the blog and offering up their help to get me through to Christmas. The crazy thing is several of the people I have never met or only met once. But everyone wants to help and we are so lucky for it. And even crazier, Janel said YES. I am actually letting people help me, which is probably what I should do more of...I am realizing. This may mean that I will get to bed before 2am and will be fresh and ready to go when Ally calls me into her room at 3am. And 4am. Hah.

Right now, we are just trying to hold on until Monday for a blood test and see where we are for that transfusion. And by the very grace of God, Ally does not get chemo again until the 28th. It just happened to be how the protocol was set up. And it is the only week skipped on purpose through this whole thing (all others were delays because her counts were too low). What a very special gift we got in that schedule. A greater power is working. Keep working....keep working... on saving my girl and bringing back that little girl I once knew who knows how to ride her bike and PLAY.