Fear

It has been the weirdest weather day around here today. Sunny one moment, and then the sky was black as night, and then the ice pellets shot out of the sky. And then the cycle repeated. And repeated. And repeated. And the wind was so strong that it nearly picked our extremely large and non-green SUV up and tossed us like a matchbox car. Mother Nature was just not happy today. She could not decide what to do. But at one moment about 4 pm I looked towards the sky (as I often do) and there were those super long bright sunbeams pouring through the clouds...maybe 10 of them. They looked like giant slides in the sky with a free trip back down to earth. I couldn't help but think of Ashley.

We travelled north today...about 90 miles...to attend Ashley's visitation service. You have to know that this was one of the hardest things I have had to do. I have not been into a funeral home since I was the one standing up there...and talking to the whole line of people for Mom's service. I felt strong for about 60 seconds but then I saw all the pictures of our friends...a happy family of five. The force of leukemia ripped them apart. I saw Dr B. How many of these does he have to go to? I REALLY don't want to know the answer to that question. There was Shannon and Ana some of the same people that care for Ally. We truly are a family. And then I saw Ashley's little sister running through the room, happy, putting a stuffed animal up in her sisters coffin. She was laughing and she has always reminded me of Carly...we have always said that. She is too young to know the pain...and good for her. I was wishing that I could feel like her. Because I could barely compose myself, but I tried. Ashley's mom just held onto me held onto me and didn't let me go. She told me she was missing the hospital already. Because that is what we know.

Jerad and I have had a very rough couple of days. Lots of tears. Lots of worry. We never used to be like this. We are strong people, but even the strongest must fall down. When counts are low for these kids, anything can happen. So Jerad and I were talking about how we both just kind of put things out of our mind. It may sound callous, and really most people couldn't understand. But we HAVE to do this. We cannot worry about every little thing or we will be consumed. Instead of rarely sleeping, we would never sleep. Sometimes it is better to be a little ignorant.

Every parent has fears. I am scared a lot. But I hold my three children close to me as a much as I can. I am way more overlooking of trivial irritating things than I used to be. Little things just don't bother me anymore. But big things do. Every night I rock my little Carly girl for just a minute or two, and then I lay her down to go to bed. I usually have 1000 things to get to and it is late...you know the drill. But tonight, I rocked her and rocked her and daydreamed and prayed for a long time. And then I looked down and that little angel was asleep in my lap. A little peaceful gift for me.

Please pray this holiday season for all of those people who are living their fears and that they find some sort of peace to get them through.