Ally is still doing really well...and seems very happy these days. She rode the bus both ways today (hasn't done that since maybe Sept/Oct...we had a two hour delay), she played in the snow a bit, did some homework and went to a basketball game. Besides the various medicines she takes and a few bellyaches, she was just like any other kid today. I am loving that her counts are high....but suspecting they will go down after her chemo infusion on Friday afternoon.
Thanks for the thoughts on Evan...they set him up to go to Children's on March 4th. I am still hoping it is nothing to worry about.
Tonight I am already thinking about tomorrow. Tomorrow my dear Mom would have been 61 years old. I am sad that this day is upon me...for some reason I knew it would be one of the rougher days in the "year of firsts" I hope I can hold it together for the kids. I am pretty good about keeping my emotions regarding Ally in check....but when it comes to my Mom I am very poor. Terrible. The kids have seen me cry hundreds of times about it. I am told by some wise people that this is good...that your kids should see your emotions and know how much I loved her. To stifle it would be to lie. I hope to God that is right because I don't know how else to handle it. And I miss her.
I remember last year quite clearly. She was nearing the end of her life (although we didn't know it would be quite so quickly after). She was turning 60. She spent her entire birthday at doctor's offices and also had to go to the hospital to get a blood transfusion. Ironically, this is something that I now do with Ally quite regularly. We were all waiting for her when she got back quite late and we had dinner and cake (she LOVED cake). And all the kids sang to her, but she was a little confused I remember. I actually have a little video of it that I can't bring myself to watch. So much can change in just one small year...I have had more to deal with than I hope I ever have to again in such a short period.
Oh what I would give for just a little more time. So Happy Birthday to my Mom. Somehow I think she is watching me and knows and feels my intense love for her in my heart... hoping to see some little sign of her tomorrow. A little birdie somewhere in the midst of my day....
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Oh how I would love a sign tomorrow. Anytime. I feel I haven't had a sign yet, but I keep looking out for one and know I will get one sometime. I know, I wasn't looking forward to this day either. But we can do it.
ReplyDeleteI love seeing Ally being able to be a kid! The day when she doesn't have to worry about chemos, ANCs, spinal taps, etc. is coming and it will be great!
Janel I think it is good for the kids too see different emotions especially your loss for your mother they will understand that loss although inevitable in life, is hard to deal with even as an adult and that grief is a process. Happy Birthday to your Mom and I hope that a little birdie makes you a visit. Praying for Ally and Evan and sending love to you all.
ReplyDeleteJanel, thinking of you with all my heart ... your mother is right by your side, with you all the way. Keep the faith, as I know you will.
ReplyDeleteWatch for a little bird . . .she will be there, I am sure of it. Hugs are coming your way.
ReplyDeleteAmanda
Janel, I hope you enjoy the memories today, even through tears. I'm on the side of let your children see you cry. She will never be gone from your life completely, or theirs, she lives in your mansion of memories and all around you. I love you, take care my sweet.
ReplyDeleteFeeling sad for you today as you experience this birthday without your mom. I'm sorry. I too, remember last year - it's amazing that it's already been a full year ago. Remember this day where your mom is, and that you will see her again. Hang on to that. Let me know if you see a little sign today...I'm asking the Father to send you something...LOVE YOU!
ReplyDeleteJanel - I am thinking about you. I wish I could tell you that tomorrow is going to be okay - but having lived through seven of my mom's birthdays without her - my best advice is to do what is right for you. For me, it is being left alone and I push to get through the day in one piece - my family has learned to let me have her birthday (2/7) and her anniversary (12/8)to do what I can on those days and not expect too much. My boys watch me cry and look at pictures with me and I tell them all of the time how much their grandma Donna would have LOVED to have met them and spend time with them and that she is always watching over all of us. I know that your mom is watching over all of you - over Ally's care, your heart, Evan's health, Carly's beautiful smile, your dad and sister and Jerad to keep you all safe and healthy. Take care and know that you are not alone. I'll be watching for a bird tomorrow - I know that she will make her presence known.
ReplyDeletesheri cobler
Hey friend. Hope your day is going well. I am sure it is full of both smiles and tears as you think of your Mom. Know that I am thinking of you. Jenny
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad Ally is getting to be a little girl and ride the bus. How exciting that she rides the bus. What a great relief for you. Each person has to do her own thing to get through that first birthday. I wish I would have celebrated it with a cake and singing "Happy Birthday". At the time I was too devastated so I understand. I think this March 23rd we will celebrate with a cake and song. I'm anxious to hear about your sign; I'm a great believer in them. Happy Birthday, Marcy. You are loved and missed so much.
ReplyDeleteJanel, I remembered your mother today also. I was driving the car this morning, and it hit me--MARCY'S BIRTHDAY. I almost had to pull over. Last week I was in Las Vegas, and all I could think of was the time your mom and dad went with us and we saw Paul Anka. When Melissa got married, I remember your parents dancing to a Paul Anka song that was also a favorite of my husband's and mine. Sometimes we just have to let sad be sad, and I was sad today. I miss your mother. I truly miss her. About getting a "sign, " I believe it will happen. It has happened to me, especially at times when I least expect it. But I KNOW Bob is with me---he HAS to be because I couldn't have made it without him. I know he is my angel, and I DO believe in angels. Please hang on to that thought. Your mother is an angel------she always was. And maybe the reason you haven't felt her presence is because she's been very busy taking care of dear Ally. Please have faith---Ally WILL get well. And when all this is over, you'll know that your mother was her angel. And that was her sign. -----------Much love to you, Suzie
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that Evan's appointment is on March 4th! That is my birthday, so I'm sure things will go well because that is my new birthday wish! I'm glad you let me know so that I can put my birthday request in now. :) Happy Birthday to your Mom, and hoping for great memories of her for you tomorrow. :)
ReplyDeleteJanel-
ReplyDeleteI just saw your blog link on Lisa's blog. Alli has been keeping me updated. I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. You and your family are in my prayers.
Terese
Janel, I also miss your mom very much, we had such wonderful times together at Cardinal Hill and just around the neighborhood. She touched many people and she is watching over you and your family. Let your feelings go, let what happens happen, it is all ok. I have survived 15 birthdays and each one is different, sometimes good, sometimes not so good, but John gives me the strength to goon, as will your mom give you strength. We must remember that they are no longer suffering. They were both very special people and we are all better people for knowing them. My prayers and thoughts are with you always.
ReplyDelete